Conflict Resolution is the key to feeling safe
The importance of resolving conflict came up in my dream last night. In my dream, My friend had gotten upset at me because I didn't take care of her plant she had given to me awhile ago. I didn't even remember her giving it to me. When she got upset, it was in a very raw way where she didn't go to anger but went straight to how much that plant meant to her and how she was so sad it was gone and that she trusted that I was going to take care of it. WOW. I felt horrible but also felt like because of her honesty I was able to be more understanding and learn from it. My dream was showing me how what I would normally have the tendency to avoid (literally, if I was her I would hold that in and say oh okay, no more plant, I guess thats fine and then realize I was upset about it later on), was actually an opportunity for intimacy, connection and repair. And since conflict is inevitable in the contrasting human experience and since. on an energetic standpoint, conflict needs to be resolved in order for it to be released, it cannot be avoided, only postponed. It was showing me how creating repair allows me/you/we to not be stuck in powerlessness (the root of most fears).
Do you know how powerlessness communicates within the physical body?
Aches and pains mostly but in a LOT of different ailments, fatigues, minor & major sicknesses, physical breakouts & bruises. The feeling of stuckness and inflexibility. And in our emotional and mental body through anger, rage, shame, depression, anxiety, chronic complaining and worrying. When I say "communicating" I mean it in a literal sense. Our body speaks to us in this way usually as a last resort. Its calling our conscious attention so that we CAN create repair, regardless of the inconvenience to our daily routines.
So how do we create repair when conflict/stress arises?
1. We first and foremost remember we are PHYSICALLY SAFE and that we are not our emotions.
Feelings are like water moving through us but are not us. Who we are is always unconditionally understanding. Our role is to caretake these feelings while being in the driver's seat. I know that can sound a bit intangible BUT it really is the key to repairing stress in the most conscious way. This takes practice as conflict literally triggers most of us to feel unsafe. Be patient and respect where you are coming from always.
2. Go straight to the vulnerability or make this your goal.
For example, like my friend in my dream, if someone made you really upset, question yourself as to why you feel that way? It's okay to be upset. The upset is a language that is telling you that something has hurt you before. What hurt you? What is it scared of that might happen again? This is the vulnerability. This is what you share with another. Vulnerability is an energetic match to them being vulnerable and companionate as well.
[However, If the other has a repeated past of hurting you while you vulnerability share your hurt, question the relationship dynamic and patterns of communication. This is not safe and needs to be discussed & repaired or decided upon. This is a violation of a boundary. ]
3. Once the vulnerability is shared between both parties or with yourself, be COMPLETELY understanding of it. DO NOT try to get rid of it or view it as wrong! Feelings can never be wrong because feelings are always a direct representations of how you perceive something. And trying to get rid of them is only going to make them stronger or suppress them more. Comfort it by validating and celebrating its expression.
4. When this passes, find ways on how to create healthy resolutions to caretake these needs. Make them super duper practical so you both can commit to them. Whatever you come up with, make sure you really feel grounded in the results. For example, for my dream friend who was sad about her plant that had died, we can buy a new plant together that we both caretake. Or if thats not desired, we could have a ritual together where we give thanks to the plant and say our goodbyes. We could even water and caretake the plants that are still alive to show our gratitude.
Creating resolution really is limitless and is extremely empowering. But its super important to acknowledge the hurt first, because if you ever noticed, its nearly impossible to be purely imaginative when you are feeling super down. Its best to be present with it, allow it to express itself and then wait for that moment where you feel like you have shifted into a release. It will feel lighter and less burdensome. This is your time to play and make yourself feel safe. This is how you show yourself you have the power within you to create repair when stress arises. And this allows us to create healthy relationships that are built upon intimacy and solid trust-- including our bodies!